Growing up, ‘The Sound of Music’ was my favorite movie. I know many people say that, OR they haven’t even seen it, but I was all in. I took my obsession to the next level, watched it every night before bed, and wanted to be Julie Andrews. (Julie, or her PR team, if you read this my offer still stands.. 😛 )
My life mission was to be best friends with her. After getting saved, and Jesus casting down the idols in my life, I realized I didn’t need to be Julie Andrews nor live my life as a musical. That’s not the point of this post, but just a weird and amusing piece of history from my life, I guess. If you are not aware, the movie is about a woman named Maria failing to become a nun and sent to be a governess to a widowed, strict Navy captain with seven rebellious children. Will she return to the abbey and become a nun? Will he find happiness again? Questions to keep you up at night.
The film was on television a few nights ago, and I watched it for the first time in years. I don’t think I’ve seen it since getting saved, and my heart overflowed with happiness. While I grew up loving the movie with childlike eyes, it only got better as an adult. Now that I am “grown-up”, I appreciated the whole story instead of just singing the fun songs. (As an adult, the scene where the Captain and Maria fall in love and sing “Something Good” had me laughing so hard. He tells her he loves her, and she breaks out in song about her life baggage.)
Last night, I found my DVD and watched it (yes, again). 🙂
Here’s the link to ‘The Lonely Goatherd” (you’re welcome):
“The Lonely Goatherd” – YouTube
There’s a scene when the Captain is talking with The Baroness, a wealthy socialite, whom he plans to marry, and says, “Activity suggests a life filled with purpose.”
For some reason, that quote struck me as I was watching it. That’s what we do. I’ve been struggling with things recently, and we like to stay busy in order to distract ourselves from our problems. In the movie, he would go away to get away from his life and anything that reminded him of his wife. We stay active with a hectic life, so maybe we can find something worthwhile and possibly be satisfied. We have to look like our lives are filled with empty noise rather than enjoying the simplicity of it.
It reminded me of the quote by C.S. Lewis: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
I have been struggling to have to surrender one of my greatest desires. I don’t know how I could pray anymore for it. I don’t know how many ways I could ask for it. Am I phrasing my prayers wrong? Is it me? What do I have to do? Maybe if I prayed this way or that way? I don’t know what I am doing wrong, but I have to be doing something and am failing to communicate. Maybe it’s my heart. What do I need to fix to get on the right track?
Maybe this dream is mine and not God’s for my life.
Why isn’t God enough for me? If this isn’t God’s desire for me, please show me what I need to be doing. I’ve been trying to figure out what the plan is.
My life is no longer going this way, so I need to find another way. Which way do I need to go? Show me what I need to be doing? I need to figure out my whole life in the next few days because I cannot waste any more time. I’ve wasted enough time, and I can’t do it anymore. My life needs to move, and I can only go forward when I take a step.
Where is the step?
Could you show me the step?
Please, show me the step.
Let me take the step. Any step.
Maybe it’s this one over here. Or, perhaps it’s this step over there. What is it? I’ve been stressed out trying to figure out what I can do to make something happen in my life because now that I won’t get my desire, I have to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing instead of the one I wanted. My life is going in circles and isn’t going anywhere. I have about ten different ideas and none of them are related. Do I spin a wheel and pick one to see if that’s God’s will for my life?
I’m sure you’re reading this saying, “Woah girl, calm down!”
I know I need to be quiet and wait, knowing God will lead me in what I should be doing, but I can’t. If I give this up, am I not trusting God can come through or is it not His will for my life? If I give this up, my life goes in another direction and I don’t know if I can handle it. I wasn’t prepared for this. I don’t want to give it up. I want it. This is mine.
After the weekend, I decided I’d had enough of living this way, and it realized it really was simple: I either trust God or I don’t.
If I trusted Him like I say I do, I wouldn’t be so stressed and having anxiety attacks. I decided to focus on every “wrong” circumstance in my life rather than trust Him because I refuse to give up control (that I don’t have). Later this week, I read a blog from a girl I follow on WordPress.
BeautyBeyondBones: Read this if you’re afraid to love <– Link to her blog post
She’s a recovered anorexic who was given a second chance at life and found her value in Christ. I’ve enjoyed following her journey and watching her grow. I’ve rooted for her for so long and am so excited to see God answer her prayer as she now has a boyfriend.
The post she wrote a few days ago had me in tears. I needed to hear what she said, and it made me think:
Why is it so easy for us to believe for other people? We look at other people’s lives, and it seems so simple that trusting in God is the answer.
Why do we believe we are not worthy of the same? Why do we believe God would bless others and answer their prayers, but not ours?
Do we have the same God? Who are we praying to? Why do we trust Him for other people, but not our own lives?
I always go back to my friend who was blessed with the miracle baby. She was told she had less than one percent chance of ever having her own baby. When she told me what the doctor said, I immediately responded that her kid would be in my wedding (I am single with no prospects). Her response was a wide smile, and “it takes a lot of faith to say something like that”.
I believed God said I would see a miracle. After another friend was not healed in this life after praying and believing for healing, I questioned everything. One day in June, she called and sent an ultrasound picture.
She just had a healthy baby boy on December 14th, and the thought brings so much joy and hope. He is a real miracle and gift from God. There is no doubt that God gave her that baby, and it was in His time and for His purpose.
Why is it easy to believe for other people than ourselves? Why do we deem ourselves unworthy? Is it easier to give up than be disappointed in the what ifs?
I don’t know what you are waiting for or if you are. I may not know your life or your struggles, but you are worthy of being loved. You are worthy of having your prayers answered. You are enough just like you. You are not lacking, and that devil tries to remind us of what we don’t have when blessed abundantly. You do not have to do anything to earn anyone’s approval. You do not have to do anything except what God tells you in order to be blessed. God has His reasons for the wait, but He loves you. Maybe you aren’t doing anything wrong and the journey and struggle is going to be for His glory. He is using your pain for good. You may not see it now, but He always works it out.
Don’t give up or think you are forgotten. Don’t let that lie settle in your heart. You are worthy and you are loved. You are enough and you are seen.
“And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent? Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?” – Luke 11:9-13
There’s nothing you can do to earn this love.
To bring this post around full circle, The Sound of Music ends with Captain Von Trapp breaking off his engagement with the wealthy socialite and choosing the free-spirited woman who would never be a nun. Maria simply was herself, put him in his place, and loved his children. She didn’t buckle under the pressure of his strict ways and commands. She wasn’t into the glitz and glamour of a socialite lifestyle. She lived out loud, loving his children the way they needed to be loved, and brought joy and happiness into their lives. She went where God called her and found her purpose. She did not have a degree nor any money. She had nothing to give but herself. She had no significant achievements to prove her worthiness, but her love crept in the stony heart of a Navy Captain and they both found love and their purpose.
As someone told me, “Keep doing what you’re doing.”
He makes everything beautiful in its time. ❤